Living in a marriage culture

Culture is to us how water is to fish - we are surrounded by it, but we often forget it's there. Once in a while though, it hits you like a riptide.

Consider these ads on teen pregnancy that currently can be seen in the New York Subway system:

What's interesting about these is how the word "marriage" is conjoined with the concept of permanence and stability, when the reality can be quite different.

In the first ad, marriage is positioned as a necessary step, along with education and employment, for avoiding poverty. Now, statistics may bear this out, but it's correlation, not causation. Education is (mostly) necessary to get a high-income job, and income is necessary to avoid poverty. But marriage, in and of itself, doesn't contribute income - unless you get spousal support in a divorce settlement. But the advice to get married before having children as a way to avoid poverty is full of assumptions. Consider these alternatives:

• "... get a job and don't have kids, you will avoid poverty"
• "... get a job and establish your career before having kids, you will avoid poverty"
• "... get a job and build a network of loving adults to support you, you will avoid poverty"
• "... get a job and win the lottery, you will avoid poverty."

All of those alternatives are just as true, yet marriage is the only solution offered. Even if you have children out of wedlock (a great word, by the way) you can get child support once paternity is proven - marriage is not a requirement.

The second ad is even more direct: "90% of Teen Parents Don't Marry Each Other." Any one of these alternative wordings would be more relevant to the actual impact on a teen's situation:

• Don't remain in a loving relationship with each other
• Don't raise their children together 
• Don't both financially support their children

The assumption is that if you're married, all of those other things will automatically fall in line, yet only the last one, because of child support laws, has any real truth to it.

I don't want people to think that I'm anti-marriage, but it would be nice if people weren't force-fed the idea that marriage should be a primary goal in life and the only safe way to have children without impoverishing themselves. Marriage, like many things, is great when it works, but lousy when it doesn't. That's probably why people go into it thinking it's going to last forever, because if it doesn't they will usually wish they'd never done it in the first place.

Bottom line: Marriage is a major legal change of identity status that should be weighed on its merits, not because our culture and society expects it. If, after giving careful thought to ALL the alternatives, that choice is right for you - then go for it. Just don't teach your kids that it's the only choice for them.

Post your thoughts in the comments - I'd love to hear what you think.

Call for judges

I'm really happy to say that we are close to announcing our first paneled judge for the competition. She is a high-profile director and a founder of a theater production company in New York. As soon as we get the press release done, I'll be able to give more details!

We're looking to fill a small panel of expert judges (2-3 max) who would review finalist plays (2-3 in each of the two categories, full-length and short) to determine the winners. We will be very respectful of their valuable time, and the majority of the effort will be needed in late December - January 2014 once the entry deadline passes.

In addition to a press release announcement, judges also have the opportunity to write an introductory post on this competition blog if they so desire.

If you know of an influential leader in the theater industry (based in New York preferred, but not a requirement) who might be interested in serving as a judge in the Unchained Love competition, please drop me a line at olny@openloveny.com. 

30 plays in 30 days!

We've had an incredible response to our competition as we approach the one-month mark from the official start on June 26. More than 30 one-act and full-length plays have been successfully submitted so far, which means we have a lot of reading to do!

Obviously, most of these plays were written prior to the start of Unchained Love, so they were not written specifically with the theme in mind. Some of the plays are written entirely in verse; some have songs. Some deal with extreme topics, like sibling incest, and some have a sci-fi theme. It's a cornucopia of dramatic and comedic work!

If you have a story that you think tells the very truth and nature of a modern love relationship, I encourage you to send it in!

A sports metaphor

This is really apt metaphor of how poly people get treated by their monogamous friends all the time. This attitude is why poly support groups exist.

"Polyamory and a sports metaphor"

There is a saying that I heard once from Ken Haslam, who curates an archive of polyamory materials for the Kinsey Institute: "Nature loves diversity; society hates it." And it's true. With so much wonderful diversity in the world, we as a society seem determined to make everyone fit into our own preconceived notions, whether it comes to race, gender, religion, lovestyle or any of an infinite number of ways we express our humanity.

If this competition can open some people's minds about the possibility of happiness outside the traditional model of monogamy, it will have done some good.

Rules for Poly Singles

I just got done sorting through the first wave of entries, and the response has been very encouraging! I'm happy to see that the word is getting around on various playwright and poly web sites and people think this is a great idea. So we are off to a rollicking start!

I found this interesting blog post on some guidelines for being a poly single. As a poly single myself since October, I'll be thinking about my own version of these rules if/when I decide to get into a new relationship. But I thought in just reading these rules, they suggested some interesting plot twists for characters in potential plays. Check it out and let me know what you think!

http://solopoly.net/2013/01/10/rules-for-myself-what-makes-solo-polyamory-work-for-me/

Ready, set, GO!

Here's the press release announcing the "official" start of the competition!
Open Love NY to Award $1,000 in Prizes for Best Plays on Modern Relationships

Meet the Producer

I've looked at love from both sides now

From give and take, and still somehow

It's love's illusions I recall

I really don't know love at all

- Joni Mitchell

Hi, I'm Mischa Lin and welcome to Unchained Love, the official site for Open Love NY's playwright competition. Here, you'll find updates and important information for crafting your entry and eventually, the public performances of the winning works.

For those who haven't followed the organization, let me introduce myself properly. I am the Founding President of Open Love NY, which formed in 2009 and quickly grew to over 200 members in my first year as President. In 2010, we merged with the popular monthly event Poly Cocktails and over the next two years grew to over 1,000 members, making us one of the largest polyamory organizations on the East Coast. In late 2012, I stepped down as President to allow new blood to take the reins, and to allow me to focus on this project that is dear to my heart.

In my professional life, I am a writer in the public relations field. I have a passion for the arts and for advancing the cause of new relationship choices. One of the original goals when we started Open Love NY was to publicly celebrate responsible non-monogamy through artistic endeavors, and this is our first official effort to work toward that goal.

When people ask me to explain the theme of the competition, I usually wind up using "Casablanca" as an example. What would "Casablanca" have looked like if Ilsa Lund didn't have to choose between the two men she loved, Rick Blaine and Victor Laszlo? What if they could have all worked together to escape to Lisbon? Two letters of transit and an exit visa for Rick (funded by the sale of his cafe) would have made all that fuss with Louis and the Nazis unnecessary. Not to say there wouldn't have been drama, it just would have been a different kind of drama, and the ending might have been pretty much the same. But instead of focusing on the choice of who Ilsa escapes with, it would have been about what each of them really want out of life and how they would go about getting it as responsible, consenting adults.

Most movies and plays tend to assume monogamy. Setups are typically formed around exclusivity and finding the one and only one "true" love. The dramatic tension is created as people stumble toward making the "right choice" of a single person. But what if the choice they were making was not between Person A or Person B, but rather choosing A, B, both or neither? If it's both, is it a closed group, or open to more partners? What agreements need to be put in place? How will this new, multi-partner relationship deal with the important issues in each partner's life? The dramatic possibilities expand exponentially when you look at relationships beyond assumed monogamy.

The thing I always emphasize, both as a leader in the modern relationship movement and as a producer for this competition, is that I'm not looking to "convert" people. I'm not saying polyamory is right for everyone. Monogamy can be the right choice for many people, and we all should take responsibility for our choices. What I want is for monogamy to be a true "choice" and not an assumption, the way heterosexuality is an assumption for most people (although that too is changing).

So the goal of this competition is to create original theatrical works that explore a world where relationship choices can include more than just monogamy by default. The actual topic of the play doesn't have to be about relationships, but whatever the issue is, it should be viewed through a lens where those choices exist.

Whether or not you support polyamory or other modern relationship choices for yourself, I hope you can see the interesting possibilities for exploring the topic in works of fiction. I look forward to seeing your contributions and engaging in an ongoing conversation through this competition.

All for love,
- M